Sunday, October 3, 2010

Past Time

One morning at the office, where I used to open my chatbox and check out the latest stuffs of those people I left from the Philippines, my best bud told me some things related about my one great love that I’ve hurt so much.
She told me, it wasn’t over, he still loves me. He can’t move on and still got the anger towards the other man I used to love.

I wanted to smile but even if I tried I can’t hide how scared I was. I broke his heart a lot of times. I made him cry on that painful night as far as I remember. I pushed him away many times coz I cannot take the guilt anymore. I pushed him away, coz I know he deserves someone else and it’s not me. As long as he sees me around, his heart will die at any moment, no matter how many win back strategies I made. So I left, and did not make such interferences any more. Before I left the place, I can see, how happy he will be if I’m not there. He can easily court that girl he was eyeing that time. Maybe she will be that someone who will not hurt him anymore while I’m away forgiving myself and searching for another life ahead.

I answered my friend, I still love him. After everything that has been said and done by people who have been against of what I did, including him, miraculously, it vanished from my heart. I learned to forgive finally.

I added that I believe, fate will find a way for us to talk, for us to reach out, but by this time I don’t want to make such moves. In short, I don’t want to assume. Maybe, knowing that he dreams of me every night is enough. He thinks of me for a while is enough.

But believing that he loves me still is very uncertain. Knowing him for the past years that we’ve been together as friends and lovers, I can say he is different when it comes to entrusting his feelings again to someone who hurt him. Yes, I admit. I’m afraid again that it will be his turn to hurt me now but not in a way of doing a revenge. Maybe in a way he doesn’t mean to. He would just find it hard to trust me again.
For three long months I’ve been staying here, I accepted all the changes he has right now. New lifestyle. New friends. New girl. I made it all as reasons to finally move on. Then, I wonder how changes will affect us in the future?

I wanted to say, how I wish that time could turn back to fix things up, but we cannot control its hands coz it continuously moves on the next seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years. I always thought that each tiktoks of time, we have to find reasons to move forward and just have in mind that each time passes by, things or people from the past can appear to say Hi. It is up for us how to reply because time is always preparing us to face them again.

Still, I don’t close doors for him. I don’t know what this world might offer in the future, but I’m looking forward to have a good talk, a sweet time for reminiscing and honest forgiveness. If it doesn’t happen then maybe that’s how fate wants it to be and for sure there’s a good reason behind. Time runs still and you got no choice but to keep on moving.

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